Disclaimer: I’m not kinda do joking about significant sign of any religions. Here I am just pursue my curiosity about what people thought.

Yesterday, I had Iftar with all my coworkers . Personally, I do fasting some times, not everyday but some times. It doesn’t define me I’m a good muslim. My emphaty are so high so I do fasting at those day .  I lost my belief and faith since long time ago. Again, my curiosity has brought me to more digging about religions. The more I digging the more my curiosity becomes higher and higher and I stuck nowhere. Some others called me kafir. In islam, kafir means that you don’t believe in God and lost faith permanently. But in my case. I do believe in God, with whoever His look like I believe there’s a thing that created universe and human.

Long short story, I wear hijab in a day not because there were a special occasion but I really wanted to wear it. So I borrow it to my friend and she helped me to wear it properly. After it done I look my self in the mirror. It might look not really weird cause I ever wore hijab for few times. Not longer after, one of my co-worker came to me and said “wah, eta cantik banget kaya orang arab. Pake hijab terus ya besok besok”. Well, if my face looked like an Arabian girl it doesn’t mean I have to wear hijab almost everyday just to impress you *sigh*

More compliments I get, more advice wants me to wearing hijab . although ,they say “hijrah” but I don’t feel it kinda hijrah I want. Might seen I’m so ignorance but what kind you get because those people told you that youre beautiful wearing hijab but your belief doesn’t told you so. You still searching what is the best thing for you and youre happiness. And yesterday I was like I’m not me . I felt I’m kinda stupid girl who craving for compliments. I'm happy but sad at the same time. They don’t even ask me about what I’m feeling, do I comfortable or not, do I look pretty about my self or not, do I ready to hijrah and all those things or not. They don’t ask me even once.

Its like once you down to the black hole you couldn’t even to get out. You trap and get nowhere to go. You just feeding their ego about what you wear and what you belief. Once you out of it, they hate you until and knife sneaking into your skin. It so much hurt.

And today, I don’t wear hijab like I wore yesterday. I don’t plan to wearing it the day after or every day. So I go casual like I always do. Two steps into the door office, my coworker wrathful “heh, kerudung lo mana!”. The other said “ yah pake cuma sehari HA HA” . They fluently mocking me in front of another co workers and I silently in death with no answer.

When I acrossed them without any hijab on my head, one of them keep asking me many many many fuckin times cause I didn’t say even a word. It damn irritated me until I quite low my voice and tell him “its none of your business whether I’m wearing hijab or no”. then , I go back to my desk and pretending like nothing happened. But here, inside of mine I’m crying hard with no tears.

One question for  today; do they care about your happiness or just judging because they craving for that ?